(reply to the current thread, this is another new one). Make sure you pay attention in English class, my young friend, so you can get refresher courses from public education in addition to looking things up online. Actually ask your teacher about this kind of stuff too, with perhaps non-specific samples of writing as exercises. Always good to practice. :0)

**Edit: This is a long post that you may not like, so I am saying here after I’ve written it, I can delete it after you’ve read it, if you’d like.

I also want to make it clear to anyone else reading that I won’t tolerate being mean to someone who genuinely wants to improve, like this person does. So no mocking their fanfic unnecessarily here.**
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Click the reply button under an individual user’s name to keep replies in descending chains of “topic threads” that trail to the right. Currently, you’ve just posted several top-level comments about the same thing. As a site admin, I could correct this, but this is a good example for everyone to see regarding etiquette. I’m not going to punish you, obviously, as this isn’t so much you breaking rules as you being unaware of the common way of doing things around here.
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Additionally: How old are you? You don’t have to give me a specific age, if you don’t want to, but give me a ballpark figure. My guess is mid-to-late teens.
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The reason I bring this up is your fanfiction desperately needs better formatting, my friend, and that’s something you learn as you write essays in school.
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Even on this site, you see that I break my paragraphs with tildes (these things ~ ) in order to make breaks for them so that someone can easily jump to any topical paragraph I’ve written without getting lost in the others.
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You wanted Bleedman’s, and my critique. Bleedman simply does not read the comments. As I’m a site admin, I read most of the comments. Bleedman is a visual artist with a knack for visual storytelling, but he is not proficient at actual word by word story analysis, and I think he would agree with me on that point. So between the two of our critiques, mine is the one you’ll get the most benefit from.
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So, please understand: I am taking you seriously right now. I am going to give to you the critique you want. I will be thorough and honest. I’m not being cruel, but I am also not going to deny that you need a lot of work and learning to improve what is currently not very good overall.
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Now, it’s not all bad: you do keep your actually sentence-to-sentence grammar functional, and honestly, the dialogue has a realistic feel to it as it flows: people do talk in precisely the way you’re describing, and more to the point, this is likely how you see conversation. This isn’t outright wrong, but presenting it in a way that everyone can appreciate is very important. Right now, it still only suits you best. You need to change for your audience, not the other way around.
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You are interested in details that do not really further the plot along. Spending time on description without tying it to action is over-embellishing. You have a lot of sentences that are just descriptions of the clothes the characters are wearing. If you want to describe clothing, give us the overview of the clothing while another ACTION is occurring.
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For example: “As they walked past the white concrete of the grocery store wall, their dark clothes outlined them in silhouette.” And then you might tie that idea of a silhouette to your perspective character’s thoughts on the matter.
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The simple fact of the matter is: we need only the tiniest idea of what they’re wearing, because unless we’re going to be discussing the companies and how they matter to the story, those sentences only clutter and get in the way of things happening, aka the plot advancing.
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Now, you did actually do this once with having the mention of your perspective character, Shadow, having loud footsteps due to his boots, so I give you credit, but most of the sentences are just out there, doing very little.
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Formatting is such a big issue to this story that it is very difficult to read and keep track of where you’re going in the story. I don’t mean to harp on it too hard and be mean, but without good paragraphs it reads almost like a stream of consciousness, which can work in very specific situations, but does not work here.
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Also, never use more than three periods to make an ellipsis. Any additional ellipsis do not make the emphasis better, they simply look like formatting errors.
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Try to be careful about using adverbs, especially at the end of dialogue. For example: “smiled and said nicely” is not a very smooth way to convey a character’s attempt to say a nice thing. Rather, just say:
‘He smiled’.
There is connotation with the very idea of a smile that conveys being nice. If you want to further the idea and make it more specific, take a break in the dialogue, for example…
‘I smiled. “There’s nothing wrong,” I kept my voice gentle, “you should know I care a lot.” ‘
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Your description sentences also clash with your character’s parentheticals, which I think are dangerous to begin with, personally. You’re already first-person, to have a parenthetical in that instance, using a parenthesis pair (like this); it implies a heavy uncertainty that the perspective character is keeping the thought “held down” by the parentheses, separate from his other thoughts in a significant way.
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The description is so heavy that even though you go a many hundred words into the piece, the only actual events are an exchange of dialogue and the characters moving from an undisclosed location to Dexter’s home in all that time when you remove all of the description. It’s an easy trap to fall in: you want people to see what you’re seeing when you write.
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But think of it this way: People will fill in the details you don’t write, and will interpret the words you DO write in their own ways, no matter how specific you get. Unless you’re in law, where the words are rigorously defined so people know exactly what is legal and what is not legal, words and meanings change from person to person. In fiction, this is always true, so while you want to give some description, always tie it to a character’s thoughts or actions so the story doesn’t risk coming to an unnecessary standstill.
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I’m curious as to your reasoning for Chris and Shadow existing in the story. Currently, they have their own powers. This is a dangerous thing, my friend: Rick and Morty on these last few comic pages discuss just that: creating an Original Character is a very fast way to make your writing look cheaper when you’re dealing in fanfiction, because Original Characters have to be given time and weight to make them important, but you can make them too important by overemphasizing them.
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Now, you next jump into narration, and emphasize a lot of fast details to bring the audience up to speed, but honestly: I would rather you spend the time to write out several moments of those details. All those scenes you are speeding over are fascinating ideas all to themselves, and it is a shame that you are skipping over them in favor of pushing past to centralize the story back on the perspective character (Shadow), who we currently have no stakes in for interest. We, the audience, care about the Powerpuff Girls and Dexter, this being a piece of fanfiction, and you’re emphasizing someone who you made. Why? The audience is asking this question and finding no answers, and slowly are being lost by the emphasis on someone who we don’t have a reason to care about.
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Now I realize this is a bit unfair for your character, but that’s the nature of fanfiction construction: you have to provide reasonable proof on your own that your character – and specifically them being on equal footing to the beloved characters of the original shows you’re including – is a good thing.
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Additionally: you jump to your original characters having superpowers too, rather than exploring the way they got there. See, the audience at this point, if they read fanfiction regularly, are starting to roll their eyes, because this has been done a lot. A lot a lot a lot.
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You give us dossiers on their powers, giving them names which look cool, but you don’t actually demonstrate their uses, and as I said, you jump straight to your two characters dating the girls and existing with them rather than showing us the build up to that. No one at this point has a reason to be interested in the powers, or the names of the powers, or what they do, because they don’t add anything to the story.
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Right now, the only thing that’s happened is Dexter is sad and went inside his home. Aside from that, we’re getting exposition poured onto us by the narrator. The structure is improved in this dossier format, but due to the content being irrelevant, it doesn’t help the story much.
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The first chapter has almost nothing happen in it except you explaining to the audience why they should care about the characters, rather than demonstrating why they should care with actions and ideas. Particularly, you should spend time in the backstory of the characters and justify them that way, because otherwise you’re just tossing these ideas, which are bland and have been seen before, right at your audience and they aren’t here for your characters. Not yet. They don’t care about them yet, and as a result things are diminished in importance significantly, until almost no interest remains.
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The second chapter has your perspective character being more perceptive than Buttercup. Once again, this person is better than the main cast before we have learned enough about the character for us, the audience, to care about them at all. It is not endearing. It does not make us like the character. Generally speaking, it’s the opposite, because we’re seeing what looks like you caring more about your own character being important than the main cast.
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I’ve stopped reading there, because no matter what happens next, I know the general idea: your characters will do more than the principle cast and be the main focus of the story, and I simply don’t know enough about them through experiencing their story – which you have summarized, not written – to care about them. I apologize for this, sincerely.
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I am truly sorry, my friend, but you need to seriously reevaluate the priorities of the story to make it something relevant and interesting. Right now, it is just a textbook example of a fanfic that does not do its job of showing us an interesting angle on the characters we know and love.
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Rather, it is a showcase for your characters, who do not belong, nor do they explore an area to which the cartoon show characters themselves are unrelated (in an effort to further a separate unique story along, see). You can make them belong, but that requires way more effort than a summary of exposition at the beginning of the story. They require their OWN story before they can join the rest of the cast.
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I apologize if this seems harsh, but you did ask for my opinion, and I do want you to get better, because the world needs good writers. :0) But right now, this is just you enjoying the process of writing words about, essentially, your own thoughts on what would make a superhero cool, rather than really exploring ideas that relate to, say, the Powerpuff Girls and how they matter.
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Please consider a massive rewrite, and taking your summary of events and turning that into a story before you even get to your characters hanging out with the girls, so we see the events and through those events, care about the characters.
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Otherwise the story will be depressingly uninteresting. I don’t want that, and I know you don’t want that. You can do better.
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Again: I’m sorry if this is harsh. I want you to improve. If you believe you can commit to this kind of massive change, then you will improve. :0) I hope that is a silver lining for you.
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**Edit: I want to repeat that if you find this is too much to be kept publicly, I will delete it, and I will also repeat that I won’t tolerate someone being cruel or mean to you for having written what you have. I want to help you, so if that means deleting this post and ensuring that others do not mock you for an earnest and honest effort, then that is what I will pursue as the course of action I believe is most correct.**

Can’t find it, buddy. Link me directly, please, and I’ll give it a go.

As the writer, thanks! I worked pretty hard to get the tone right. :0)
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I did consider adding that detail, but ultimately, it over complicates the circumstances to complete the email format in its entirety. We had to make the message fit properly into the panel.
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However, there are a few visual nods on the page to talk about multiverses. One of them is the model of phone we gave Rick, and the email address X himself uses. c: